so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
