my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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