On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
