just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
