I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
sex in a hospital.. check
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
