I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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