you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
