half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
