Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
