she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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