where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think your dad took our porno
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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