can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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