I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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