my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
