When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
