when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
