I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
