Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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