Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
