Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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