I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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