i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
