Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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