I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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