alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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