I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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