can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
