I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
