my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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