I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
