she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
