So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
