My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
