there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
