I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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