I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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