A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
