Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
