Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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