On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
