Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
