you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
