I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
