So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
