So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
