If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She's the barista slut.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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