i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
