I'm jealous of your bromance
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
