i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
