I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
